


in my body i fight fire

by ectocosme



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, Fluff, LLF Comment Project, M/M, the rating may changes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-03-16 00:47:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13625013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ectocosme/pseuds/ectocosme
Summary: Cloud can't complain about tiny aches when he's so accustomed to them. And why complain when it is Genesis who needs help and comfort? it's not like he has an incurable disease that will put him in his grave. His body 's just weird and stupid.





	1. dull pain, dull brain

The officer called for a short rest. Cloud fought not to sigh in relief out loud. He had learnt quickly not to show such enthusiasm for times out. It wasn’t that his superior hated him, would verbally abuse him – the first did, but not this one – yet showing weakness to Bob at the first part of the training often resulted in the man giving you more hours to work out in the week. Cloud’s CO wanted his boys, as he called all of them, to maintain a high physical fitness. At least it was the last time Cloud had to show a poker face and lie to him.

Soon he’d have to lie to another CO. The prospect made him sigh. He knew it wouldn’t be Angeal, the man had too much honour and wouldn’t want to train someone he was involved with. Cloud was ambivalent. On one hand, Zack described Angeal’s mentorship as a sensational experience. But on the other hand, Zack also said it had been the hardest and most intense years of his life because Angeal was a demon during training.

Bob came closer, drawing Cloud out of his thoughts. He gulped down his water so he hadn’t a parched tongue for the next talk. Bob smiled at him and sat down on the bench with him, he patted Cloud’s tight, making the blond close his eyes a second too long for it to be a blink. Yet Bob saw nothing, he supported the same jovial smile that Cloud returned, ignoring his knee’s ache.

“I’m glad you came for your last drill. I wanted to congratulate you again for passing the SOLDIER’s exam, you deserve it kiddo.”

Cloud ducked his head to the side, a big goofy smile on his lips. He managed to reach his dream – only formalities separated him from his first mako shot – and everyone he had a good relationship with was proud of him. It was exhilarating.

“Yup! Chocobo-head worked harder than any of us!” one of Cloud’s squadmate pipped up, dropping on the bench on Cloud’s other side and wrapping his arm around the blond. Cloud gritted his teeth as the movement pulled on his neck making pain flare up, white and hot, but hopefully short lived. “We’re proud of our baby.”

Cloud’s CO chuckled, “You know Brent is the younger of your group?”

“He arrived after Cloud, so he’s the new guy, but not the baby.”

“Which I’m glad for!” yelled the boy from the other side of the training ground. “I didn’t run away from my mother calling me like that for _you_ to do it!”

 A few chuckles escaped the men of the squad. Cloud felt good, even if his body wasn’t agreeing.

“Cloud Strife.”

For a short second, Cloud’s heart stopped at the tone of the known voice. Angeal rarely talked to him so sternly. When he was doing so, he was disappointed by Cloud. The men’s around Cloud and he turned around to watch the First who eyed them in return.

“I came to pick you up, you were late,” Angeal said then made a head move toward the shower, the silent order clear.

Pain flared up in his knees when he scrambled to his feet but he hid his wince behind his shirt as he cleaned up the sweat on his face. It wasn’t like it really hurt.

He said goodbyes to his squad with a promise to find them later tonight for a little celebration at their favourite bar. He passed near Angeal, avoided his eyes then ran to the showers. There, the warmth calmed his ache. The fact he stood helped too. The pain was worse when he was immobile for a moment.

Cloud lifted a hand to massage his neck, where the tension rarely left. In his head played a different scenario where another hand massaged him. He had seen Angeal’s work on Genesis and the redhead seemed always happy, even if it was notorious Gen gave the best massages. Mostly, he wished for a helping hand that could massage his wrist.

The impulsion to ask Angeal the moment he would have finished to clean up quickly left him. Those thoughts were short-lived. He was too embarrassed to confess he had a slight pain.

Cloud heard the showers’ door open. He glanced at the newcomer and met Angeal’s eyes. A few months ago, he would have saluted, slipped and made a fool of himself. Now he sent back a curious gaze at the man leaning against the wall, arms crossed. Cloud massaged his wrist distractedly.

“You forgot to tell your commanding officer you’d leave early for the Cadet SOLDIER’s Introduction. You should be glad he knew already.” The man shook his head. “Sometimes you’re as forgetful as Zack.”

The disappointment in Angeal’s voice always made something twist inside Cloud’s stomach. He lowered his head, focusing on his wrist and mumbled an apology.

“It’s nothing, Cloud,” Angeal said, his voice softer. “Did you hurt your wrist?”

“Nah, just some ache from…” Cloud shrugged a shoulder, taking in a breath at the move that awoke the dull pain of his shoulder. “… from nowhere. Maybe an old wound I couldn’t heal at Nibelheim.”

When he looked back at the man, Angeal’s brow had creased in worry.

“I’ll wait outside and walk you to the room where the meeting is held, but I’ll have to leave after. Be quick and maybe we’ll have a bit of time together.”

Angeal’s coy smile made Cloud’s heart skip a beat. The smile he sent the other was happier and the little wrinkles around Angeal’s eyes showed the smile was genuine, not the commercial one he gave his fans or his superiors. Cloud waited for the man to leave and give him a bit of privacy before he leaned against one of the shower walls to breathe. He waited for the heart palpitation to stop, a contented smile on his lips. Love made strange things to his body. But his body was strange anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh my titles are still awful, that's why i put a _chapter's title_ too. so i can train or smth like that  
>  anyway don't be afraid, leave your thoughts, comments are much appreciated, kudos are such wow ~~and i don't know exactly where i'm doing with this~~


	2. not worth it

As he laid on Sephiroth’s bed with the worst hangover of his life Cloud promised himself he wasn’t drinking more than one drink ever again. Like he did after the other ‘worst hangover of his life’.

Though, he couldn’t respect such a promise when his merry squadmates kept paying drinks to him. In fact, the only time he managed to stay true to his promise was with Zack. The man never pressured him, even unintentionally like his friends, and Cloud could remember the whole night. And what a fucking night. He was eternally grateful to his gods he remembered his first date with the young SOLDIER even if at the time he didn’t notice it was a date.

Maybe he should change his promise? From not drinking above his fixed limit and affronting drunk troopers by himself he should just take any of his boyfriends with him. Cloud snorted at the idea. Somehow, he was certain Genesis or Angeal would make it _worse_. Sephiroth was another thing. Cloud huffed, then groaned when it made his head pulse even _more_.  He kept immobile as a rock after that.

Earlier Sephiroth had tried to coax him out of bed to go watch a movie in the living room. Cloud’s headache said no. This time Cloud couldn’t force it and make him happy. It only managed in wrecking him in guilt.

The soft sound made by Sephiroth’s feet on the ground made Cloud open one eye to peer at the bedroom’s door. The silver-haired man stood there, shadowed by the light from the corridor. Sephiroth studied him, strands of hair falling around his shoulders and neck. He lifted a hand and brushed Cloud’s forehead.

“Are hangovers this bad normally? It’s been five hours you woke up and you’re not better.”

“Dunno,” Cloud mumbled, closing his eyes to savour the sweet caresses on his face. “For me yes?”

The side of the bed tipped down with Sephiroth’s weight as he sat down. He moved Cloud, trying to push him to make a place for himself. Cloud closed his eyes shut at the wave of nausea mixed with a sharp pain exploding in his back. Cloud had mixed feelings. On one hand, it wasn’t a wound and he didn’t imagine himself pipping up to say, ‘yeah a nerve is being an asshole in my back and it hurt also, wow, my head hurt if I only move one milometer’. But on the other hand, he’d been immobile for a reason, so his murderous intent was reasonable. There was enough place on the king size bed for Sephiroth to lie _behind_ him.

The man settled against him and wrapped his arms around Cloud, one hand massaging his temple. Cloud sighed, welcoming the warmth and the caress.

“Is this better?”

Sephiroth’s soft voice and his attempt to help choked up Cloud. There was no change since the morning and Sephiroth’s hands were pretty good but not magical. Cloud was still stiff, nauseated and couldn’t sleep. There was nothing that Sephiroth could do to help. In fact, the last time Cloud was hangover he ended at Zack’s place. The puppy hadn’t hesitated to give him a potion and make him drink before Cloud realised what he had in hand. Obviously, it helped. But guilt gnawed at Cloud for the rest of the day. He couldn’t accept his lovers to give him such expensive items because he had bad hangovers. Pain wasn’t something new to him. He could survive one bad day.

Cloud couldn’t support Sephiroth’s curious eyes. He genuinely wanted for his massage to help Cloud yet it only gave more strength to the immaterial hand that pressed against Cloud’s sternum. It made it hard to breathe. The strength of his guilt for worrying Sephiroth almost pushed him to tears.

“Yes,” Cloud lied in a murmur. “Yes, it is.”

He opened his eyes to see the contented smile grow on Sephiroth’s lips. Smiles from him were a rare sight that Cloud enjoyed thoroughly. Cloud closed his eyes again, his heat squeezing with a mix of happiness and shame. At least one of them was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> torture cloud my brain says, make him suffer like you and tell the world you're an idiot who have the worst hangovers (whatever drinks you take) but still drink at parties bc _idiot_  
>  also if you left kudos on the precedent chapter but you enjoyed this chapter basically about cloud's pain can i kindly invite you to tell me _why_ you sadistic reader


	3. puppy therapy

“Uh,” the SOLDIER peered down at Cloud who struggled not to fidget under the gaze, “No buddy, that’s not the test-mission for the SOLDIERs’ cadets. It’s Fair and Gibbson your examinators, isn’t it? They’re in the garage D3.”

“I- I know,” Cloud stuttered. He closed his eyes in shame then took a steadying breath. “I’ve lost myself. Eh.”

Following Cloud little self-mocking laugh the man huffed in amusement. He pointed a direction above Cloud’s shoulder, “Right there buddy. You leave the garage by this door, turn right and you’ll end up in front of garage D3 where they should be. Don’t worry buddy, it happens to a lot of new cadets.”

Cloud thanked him then dashed out of the place. At least, his helmet hid his identity from the man. He almost collapsed with relief when he saw Zack in front of the door of the second garage. The other noticed him, perked up and shook Cloud’s helmet the second he was at arm’s length.

“You overslept again? Today?”

“C’mon it’s not the SOLDIER’s entrance exam. But, no I didn’t oversleep, “Cloud huffed, swatting away the hand on his helmet. He tilted his head to the side and made his neck crack. He sighed in contentment as his discomfort faded away. “I’ve lost myself.”

Zack snickered and shook his head slightly. Cloud smiled at the joyful puppy. He couldn't be vexed for laughing when it's was a stupid error to make. Zack hugged him sideway and lead him inside while chatting. Like that Cloud almost felt like it's wasn't a big deal he was the last one arrived.

The other men in the truck – two SOLDIERs and ten cadets – welcomed him without fuzz and even seemed happy to see he hadn't chickened out and returned back home. Cloud couldn't imagine why someone would turn on their heels when at their dreams' door, but apparently a few of the cadets and SOLDIERs had witnessed it. Somehow, Cloud ended certain they were nice only to avoid such an outcome. Though, why would they be? Why would they care he'd reach his dream?

Cloud moved his left knee a bit so it was in this position that ached just a little. He needed to focus, not overthink. And anyway those guys and him were going to share a lot for the next months. A training regiment and classes then the Mako injections and the change it would bring. They needed to support each other, the guy at the introductory course had drilled it in their brain. Cloud had his lovers too constantly telling him that. At least, if some of the cadets ended souring the relationships, Cloud had his lovers to help him through the phases of becoming a SOLDIER.

As the truck started its motor, Cloud savoured the few seconds of calm and immobility he had to centre himself and affront the motion sickness. At least Zack was sitting next to him, his thigh glued to Cloud's and his arm thrown around his neck. It was comforting and gave him a bit of courage. Zack removed Cloud's helmet without any struggle from the cadet. Head between his knees, Cloud focused on not letting nausea win. He almost melted into a puddle when Zack distractedly massaged his stiff neck. Cloud's relieved sigh was lost in the rumble of the truck.

He was glad he wasn't hiding this particular problem anymore. He still hated showing weakness, but he was getting better. At least with his motion sickness. In his last squad, he wasn't the only one with it and slowly opened to his comrades. Often time they moaned about their bad luck together and subsequently, Cloud opened to the idea of not lying about his state to anyone. Now, if it allowed him some massages he might become more honest about his problems.

“Dude, if we didn't know already you both were together, we'd know by now. The kid is almost drooling on you.”

Cloud opened one eye to glare at the one who'd talked. He met mako blue eyes and had to fight his instinctive reaction to droop his eyes. The man smiled, then winked at him.

“It's surprising they let you on the mission, then,” one of Cloud's new squadmate said.

“I'm here to observe,” Zack answered, stopping his delightful massage a second. “And to kill big scary monsters before you boys are eaten if my buddies Abe and Essai trip on their feet and fall.”

“Please,” scoffed Essai, Cloud thought it was. “Remember last week? Recall me who tripped?”

The hand on his neck was agreeable but Zack made the mistake of accustoming Cloud for more even in a short time. Cloud knead Zack's fingers almost moaning in despair. He wasn't against a bit of comfort.

“Hey! I don't do the regs, I'm the last line in case you fail – oh, hey, okay don't whine sunshine – I'm here to save your butt that's all!”

Cloud sighed with pleasure as warmth made his stiff neck less tense. He heard a few whispers from his comrades. They seemed worried. No one had told them the mission could be dangerous enough to need a First' presence.

“Don't freak out, you all,” Cloud mumbled on Zack's knees, breathing deeply when a wave of nausea hit him. “It's just that finding worthy SOLDIERs cost money, so they make sure no one in our group can get killed dumbly. Like tripping over their feet and cracking their head. They're not here to watch out for monsters, but to be our babysitters.”

A few sighs of relief were heard above Zack and the SOLDIERs' groan. Cloud smiled to himself, swatting away the hand that ruffled his hair. Maybe he spoiled the SOLDIER's fun, but he stopped his idiot comrades to worry for too long. It was a win for him, even if it meant Zack's was sulking, arms crossed and not touching Cloud anymore.

The blond sighed, put his head a bit above Zack's uncomfortable knee and waited for their destination.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! you're now 36 to follow this thing, it's raining where i am, stars are beautiful even if clouded and i've seen this thing circulation and i said "why not?" it won't hurt at least  
> This story is part of the [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
> Feedback
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comments
>   * Questions
>   * ~~Constructive criticism~~
> (sorry i do it for fun to lower my stress. i get enough constructive criticism with my original fictions) 
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
> 

> 
> [LLF Comment Builder](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/post/170952243543/now-presenting-the-llf-comment-builder-beta)  
> i try to answer all comments BUT if you don't want a response bc reasons, just like tag it with #silent and i'll keep my keyboard-mouth shut


	4. taste of ash

Except for the sounds of the cutlery hitting the plats only the movie in the background was heard. Cloud wished Angeal would come back soon from his unexpected call for help. Even with him, the ambience had been terrible, but at least Cloud hadn't been alone with Genesis. It never was a good idea so soon after a fight.

Genesis' threw his fork in his plat. Cloud startled at the clinking sound and abrupt movement. The other man wiped his mouth clean, fire burning in his eyes.

“I apologised already!” Genesis snapped.

“What?” Cloud blurted out, frantically playing the last moments in his mind to understand where the problem had come from.

“I apologised for the dirty dishes already! Stop that now.”

Confused, Cloud stared in shock at the man suddenly yelling at him. He scrunched one eye at the shooting pain behind it then breathed out, “Stop what?”

“Twitching your right eye, that's what you do when you're angry. If you still are... tell me.” Genesis walked back and forth in front of him, separated by the table. “I hate passive-aggressive people.”

Cloud snorted, amused by the hypocrisy. The tone Genesis used made Cloud's skin crawl. He hadn't been in a great mood at first, but even if he had, Genesis' words plumbed the level of bullshit he could put up with.

“You can't stand them only because it's a reflection of your own flaw.”

Genesis backed away, scoffing though unease was clearly written on his face. Cloud took a calming breath that's did nothing against the uncomfortable fire or irritation spreading in his lower abdomen. Nor did it lower the pressure in his head.

“I think I'm honest enough when I'm angry.” Genesis crossed his arms and lifted his chin, barely hiding his grimace of pain at the movement of his shoulder. “I don't hide behind an 'everything is fine'.”

The way Genesis imitated his voice finished to enrage Cloud. A deep fire grew inside him and made his fingers prickle. He stood up sharply, the chair scratching on the ground in a high pitched noise that made him shudder. His ears hadn't appreciated. Genesis and his enhanced hearing neither.

“You do it a lot more than me,” Cloud shot back. “I've got this you always say but if we don't realise your struggling or in pain and can't do the thing, if we don't come help you before you drop something or hurt yourself, it's suddenly our fault.” Cloud breathed in and out, short of breath. “Anytime something bothers you, you don't say it out loud. You just glare at us or have this one smile and then you say stuff like 'I thought you cared'.”

“It's to poke fun at you!” Genesis yelled back.

“It's not!” Cloud sidestepped to avoid the man as he came closer. “It's not to poke fun at us or even yourself. The tone is totally different! Don't take me for an idiot. You're more hissing and you've got this-... this stilled smile. No, Gen, you don't sound playful at all.”

Genesis rounded the table again, following Cloud and stopped a few inches in front of him.

“Use your birdbrain, if I look stilled it's because I'm in pain and trying to hide it from you all.”

Cloud swatted away the hand that came near his wrist, clenching his teeth not to bark a the man and keep a low voice, “That's not an excuse for the rest, Genesis. You can't say it wasn't your intention to hurt people and blame them for being hurt and not understanding you were-,” Cloud scoffed, anger boiling in him, “-joking.”

“Well being brash is part of my personality, if you don't like it then nothing is holding you here,” Genesis said, but before Cloud could flippantly retort it was true and Genesis shouldn't expect to see him again soon, the man grabbed his wrist and said, “Try to be in pain 24h a day and see how well you deal with it!”

A cold chill ran down Cloud's spine at the reminder. He lowered his head, not able to support Genesis' stare at the moment. Cloud hated remembering that his boyfriend was sick, maybe dying. The man's mood swings and perpetual anger were understandable. Hell, Cloud was dealing with randoms aches he could forget if he busied himself most of the time and yet he wanted to be cranky every second of his life too.

They stared in each others eyes for a while. Cloud was struck mute, torn between trying to make Genesis see his point of view and just comforting the man. Staying would only push him to feel worse. Cloud broke Genesis' hold on his wrist, a hiss of pain on his lips when fingernails grazed his skin, then walked away. He clacked the door on Genesis' nose who had followed after. Cloud hoped the man wouldn't follow him then. He was still angry and so tired he felt like he was going to angry-cry. Boys at Nibelheim never took him seriously like this.

He reached the staircase without any stalker. Though he stopped net in front of the stairs as vertigo hit him. Even with a steady breathe Cloud needed to sit. It calmed down then, though Cloud would've prefered he was farther off. If Genesis went out of the apartment and stood in the corridor he would hear Cloud cry that for sure. With the stress gnawing at him, Cloud couldn't hold the tears.

He moaned in despair when the sobs stifled by his sleeve made his head hurt more and more. Each time a sound reached Cloud, he stopped breathing, making any sounds, to listen. Genesis could come by or even any other SOLDIERs living in this building. Another guy seeing him cry would make him feel worse, but knowing Genesis the man would hug him at the first tear seen. In a warm embrace, Cloud would have melted and surely cancel all the force behind his point when he left Genesis to think about his own mistake and not play him.

The pain going through Cloud's head took an aura quickly, blurring his vision and preventing him from leaving the place. If he attempted to do it he'd fell and knock himself with his bad luck. The last time he made the error was when he was a kid and scarred his mother to death. He'd learned his lesson.

The bip of his PHS an undetermined time after made him groan. He cracked open one eye and looked the message while praying Hel it wasn't a mission order. He sighed when he saw it was a message included in the private line he and his boyfriends shared.

Cloud grimaced at the increasing worried messages from Genesis asking the others if they had seen him. Zack was the clever one who pinged him to ask if he was fine.

Extending his legs in front of him, Cloud sent a short text to say he was, but still angry and took time for himself. Which was true. The 'fine' part was a bit exaggerated but he didn't need to worry his boyfriends for a bit of dehydration due to ugly crying. He was lucky Genesis hadn't heard anything. In a half-trance, Cloud looked the news messages pass before his eyes. He saw Genesis fall into a depreciative rant over himself and then wonder if Cloud could break up. Cloud hesitated on which words to use, his brain foggy and still throbbing, and was glad to see Sephiroth stop the redhead from going too far in his illusion.

Cloud dropped his head against the cold wall, soothing his too hot forehead, and closed his eyes. He decided he would ask Genesis for a bath and reading-time date soon. The redhead love for hot bath increased the more his health suffered and his joints ached. Both warm and less cranky because of different aches they should be able to communicate more openly.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a few things about ‘in my body i fight fire’ coming from the fact It was a vent fic at first:  
> 1\. A lot of Cloud’s symptoms are mine. Plus some (1) that are here for me to hurt Cloud more  
> 2\. Not everyone having chronic pain has the same sickness or, if this is the case, symptoms. I know there’s people suffering more on a daily basis, who can’t hide their pain(s).  
> 3\. The fic was just a bunch of somehow related scenes. Apparently, they formed a plot. It won’t be very deep or well thought, maybe it’ll have an open end, whatever. You’re warned.  
> 4\. Uh i’m certain i had a n°4  
> 4 (bis). yes! thank you all for your comments!! :DD  
> 4 (bis bis). also... you strange people are 49 following this;;; why


	5. some nights

Cloud woke up to a general feeling of discomfort. He sweated too much, his neck was stiff and his legs ached too. He grunted and rolled on his side. He ended with his nose on someone's arm. The other instinctively wrapped his arm around him which didn't help. Cloud was too hot, too sweaty. Extending his legs gave him a few seconds of relief, then the pain returned. It wasn't too bad but prevented him from going back to sleep. The pins and needles kept going.

“It's because you're growing up!” his mother said a few years ago and yet Cloud was certain that reaching his eighteen birthday he should stop growing up. Even if a part of him would be glad to have a few more centimetres and be at eye level with Genesis.

Carefully, he wiggled his way out of the pile of bodies trapping him in the bed – even though Genesis was rolled up in a blanket and wasn't even touching him. He heard Zack whine and Sephiroth huff, but none of them woke up fully.

The living room was his refuge. Cloud sighed when he felt it was way colder there. It made Cloud's hairs stand and elicited tremors that he shook away with a full body shake. At least those tremors went away a second. Staring at his hand he huffed, he wasn't even cold. In fact, he still felt too hot.

“You're shitty.” Cloud murmured to his hand, addressing his entire body. He eyed the library Genesis created in Sephiroth's living room by bringing books and books without never taking them back to his – old – apartment. He put the light next to it and picked one to read the cover. The shaking prevented him to do so. “Really shitty.”

Cloud put the book down on the living room table and took the first sweater he saw lying around. The tremors subsided a little, but not enough for Cloud to believe they were caused by the cold. He considered returning to bed when a real cold shudder ran down his spine. There he would be plenty warm. Though his legs still hurt and sitting on the couch he could massage them without bothering anyone, which he did. Cloud still didn't know if it was nerve or muscle pain. The last doc he dared to talk about just shrugged about it.

Painkillers would have been interesting, but those were quite expensive. Why invest in medical research when you had materias anyway? What the biological science department did clearly wasn't to create everyday medications.  _Shinra is the worst._ But even if the company wasn't, Cloud had grown up with only plants as drugs. He had a weird reaction to Shinra's medications. The first time he had to take some he thought they did something totally different from their packaging.

Cloud shook away his paranoiac thoughts. He huddled on himself, holding his legs against his chest then started the book.

“Uhg!” Cloud's head hit the back of the couch when his eyes glossed over a sentence for the third time. He closed his eyes a few seconds, noticed again the pain in his legs, then opened them with the hope that – by some strange miracle – he could focus now. The words were perfectly readable yet Cloud couldn't retain what they said.

“Reading at this hour?”

Startled, Cloud looked up at the voice near him. Genesis chuckled at the face he had made.

“You can't sleep, love?”

Cloud shrugged, then yawned, “Yeah. Just.” He waved his hand around. “Too hot.”

“That's why you stole Zack's sweatshirt?” Genesis asked, lifting an eyebrow as his hand found Cloud's neck to squeeze gently.

Cloud lifted the sweatshirt' hem to his nose. The smell was clearly Zack's. It was comforting. He grinned at Genesis and shrugged.

“Sorry if I woke you up, Gen'.”

“Hmpf, it's not you,” the man assured with a sigh. He let himself fall on the couch near Cloud and dropped his head on Cloud's shoulder. Genesis wrapped an arm around the younger and pulled him into his space. Cloud curled around Genesis' form, relaxing at the warmth radiating from him. For a few minutes, they stayed silent, though Cloud noticed Genesis' sighs. He finally mumbled, “It's my shoulder keeping me awake – don't get up! - I already took the painkillers for it. But thank you.” Genesis took a deep breath, his eyes shining with something else than mako, “Just stay here with me while the medication starts to have an effect.”

“Sure,” Cloud said. He sat back comfortably against Genesis, embracing him with his chin on the man healthy shoulder. The book was since long forgotten on the table.

“Well, what's this? A counterparty?” Zack asked as he stumbled into the living room yawning around his words.

Genesis chuckled, “It's hardly a party. It's a nap.”

“It's a counter cuddle party!” Zack accused, nudging Cloud to steal the place on the side of the couch. He dropped his head on Cloud's free shoulder and didn't move one inch after that. Cloud kissed his forehead then shared a smile with Genesis. He noticed a slight movement of the neck from side to side like the redhead was in pain and brought his hand there. Cloud started massaging it with only one hand at first, eliciting a groan of pleasure from the man, which made him grin. Genesis knocked gently their forehead, melting into Cloud's hands.

Like this, Cloud didn't pay attention to his painful legs and he had no need to focus. He just let his hands do the work. His tremors were invisible as he moved.

Angeal cut short the massage by bringing attention to him. He pinched his lips as he looked sternly at Zack, now half-way sprawled on Cloud's back.

“I wanted him to ask you if you were both alright.”

“Uh,” Cloud said, confused. “Yeah, why?”

Genesis grumbled that he had to take some medicine but was better. An instant, Angeal's expression became sombre, pained even, but he gave back his attention to Cloud who kept running his fingers on Genesis neck and the back of his head.

“You stood up in the middle of the night and didn't come back,” Angeal explained, then took one of his hand. “And you're trembling – not that it bothers the two idiots there – so are you still stressed for the injection tomorrow? If so, we can talk about it again.”

Genesis patted Cloud's knee comfortingly. Zack even woke up a bit – or had he been pretending it he was asleep? - Yet Cloud took a moment to understand what Angeal talked about. He didn't feel stressed. He stared at the man in confusion before it hit him, “Oh! The Mako injection! No, no. don't worry, I'm fine. He talked so much about that, it's kinda boring now.”

Angeal's expression showed he didn't trust one bit his words, “It's still a big change, kiddo. If you don't feel okay tomorrow, Seph will be here.”

Cloud mumbled his understanding and with that Angeal patted his knee too, rubbed Zack's cheek and went back to sleep, addressing Cloud a tired smile. Cloud stared at his form wistfully; maybe Angeal was right. Maybe his tremors and night sweat were because of stress.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aw we went past the 69 subscribers! it was nice while it lasted xD  
> anyway another messy chapter. ~~sorry not sorry~~


	6. to the mess

When Cloud woke up he heard Sephiroth in the apartment. The man answered a call coldly, his sentences becoming shorter as the discussion extended. Cloud tip-toed around, massaging and rolling his stiff neck so it'd get better. Noise irritated Sephiroth a bit more. Cloud's asocial boyfriend hated phone calls and Cloud didn't want to add to the poor man bad mood.

He hesitated as he stood idly in the kitchen, ignoring the ringing in his ears. Either he ate in silence and suffered the ringing or he made sounds. Cloud moved from his left to his right, sighing at the ' _growing pain_ ' that went to the tip of his fingers to his elbows and his legs to his thighs. That was new. It was either one or the other. At least his torso was spared. 

Cloud left the kitchen, moving and focusing on something else was his only option to manage the pain. The mess could get noisy but often time in the morning everyone was sleeping on their feet so it was all low hums and grunts between few words from the more awake. Now it sounded like the perfect place for Cloud.

In the corridor Cloud grabbed a pen then wrote a quick note on a post-it he stuck to the door. Sephiroth would know where he went like this. Cloud didn't bother change clothes, the jogging and – too large – t-shirt was as common as the SOLDIER's uniform at their mess. Though, a shiver made him grab one of Zack's sweat-shirt.

In the hallway, the lights glared at him in passing. Cloud was glad they were dim lights adapted to the SOLDIER's enhanced vision. It hurt less his eyes. When the ringing was low, he didn't even hear the electricity coursing through the lights here.

The mess was as calm as he thought. He let go a sigh of relief.

"Hey, Abe," he saluted as he passed a table of three SOLDIER's. He glanced at them when one started coughing and wheezing. Cloud shrugged it off, the others were enough to pat the guy's back.

Cloud choose his breakfast, humming to himself to drown out the ringing and the slight headache building up under his temples. Before grabbing his trail he moved his right shoulder seemingly blocked then shook his hand as electricity shot through it.

Tremors, spasms, a possible fever, the 'growing pains' in plain day and his stiffness from his lower back to his neck... Today was a bad day sadly.

Stress did worsen his pains. Cloud chuckled derisively; he had been more stressed about the mako injection than he thought. But soon it would be behind him. The first was the worst as they said.

“Cloud?”

Sephiroth's soft, worried voice made Cloud turn around in a heartbeat, now worried too. From the entrance of the mess, the man stared at him with wide eyes, his head tilted imperceptibly to the side. He did that when he looked at something interesting. Or strange.

“Cloud, are you... alright?” Sephiroth asked, coming closer.

Taken by surprise, Cloud chuckled, “Sure.”

"No, you're not. You can't."

They stood feet to feet which forced Cloud to look up. He grimaced at the searing pain from his neck.

"Ow, okay," Cloud mumbled as he looked down and rolled his shoulders in hope to reduce the strain between his shoulders. Sephiroth's words had surprised him. If the other was the best to notice if one of his boyfriends was in pain he rarely noticed Cloud's, "My back hurt. My neck too. I think I was a lil' bit tenser than thought and I blocked a few things."

cloud took a few steps back so he could finally see Sephiroth's face. The man stared at him without blinking, his brows slightly furrowed.

“You...” started Sephiroth before he fell silent.

“I?” Cloud prompted.

The man moved his weight from one foot to another, his eyes fixed on a point far away, pinching his lips. Cloud had to tug on the silver strands to make Sephiroth look at him.

"What's the matter?" Cloud asked, petting the side he had pulled on.

“You had your mako injection, Cloud.”

"I did?" it was Cloud's turn to frown. From Angeal's and the other's SOLDIERs that weren't sleeping during the worst of the mako injection, it hurt like hell from start to finish with a big case of 'please kill me' in the middle. Cloud actual state wasn't far from a bad day. Then he smiled as the solution appeared to him, "Yeah. I guess sleeping through the worst of the Mako injection and more was good." Cloud said. "I'm glad I had Zack's same reaction rather than Angeal's. He spooked me, you know? Talking about the way it hurt and all."

Cloud shrugged then shivered partly because of the thoughts of terrible pain Angeal had put in his head and also of the cold.

"Cloud, you had your injection ten hours ago," Sephiroth asserted with a booming voice due to his nerves – which never happen. The strength of the noise hit Cloud's ears eliciting a hiss from pain. He lifted his hands to his ears and rubbed them to chase the discomfort. Was that an enhanced hearing problem? Would listening to someone raise their voice hurt him forever or it'd settle down? "Cloud, you  _are_ in the worst phase. All your nerves should feel like they are on fire. Zack wasn't sleeping through it, he passed out. He was unconscious for how much he was in pain." 

cloud stopped rubbing his ear and met Sephiroth's eyes. The other looked horrified. Slowly, Cloud started to realise what his boyfriend had just said. He shuffled his feet, shot a smile at Sephiroth but the intense attention from the man made Cloud look away. He met a SOLDIER's stare, the man seemed as dumbstruck as Sephiroth.

"Uh." Cloud rubbed his neck. Did it mean he really was in pain and not just an hyper sensible boy who couldn't deal with what everyone felt on a daily basis? Two part of him fought right now. There was the 'told you so!' and the 'nope, nope, you're complaining for nothing again'. But he had a shot of mako and apparently should be suffering.

"Oh," he emitted, the realisation gave him chills. "I- oh... a doc told me the mako could not merge with my organism." Cloud nodded then grimaced, a nervous chuckle on the tip of his lips. "It means I'm never going to be a SOLDIER."

He breathed out, pinching his lips together as a dark hole pierced his guts. He looked up at a SOLDIER's incredulous cough.

“Either he's having a delusion or he really thinks so,” the man said.

“He thinks so.” Sephiroth's smooth voice cut through the wave of whispers that took the SOLDIERs.

Abe came close, a smile on his lips that made Cloud uncomfortable. He returned his attention to Sephiroth, set on countering what had just been said, but Abe talked first.

“Sorry, buddy. Remember what a clap sound for a newly enhanced SOLDIER?”

Cloud stepped aside a deep fear in his bones and ready to bolt. Abe clapped hard before he could though. It was like thunder a mere inches from his ears. Cloud fell to his knees, hands on his head and gasping for air. The ringing changed for a big 'hum' of deafness. He startled at the hands cupping his face and relaxed when he met mint green eyes. Sephiroth pinched his lips and talked, but Cloud heard nothing.

“You're mad!” Cloud yelled, hearing himself only from _inside_ his body which shook in pain and anger. He shut his eyes tightly, a wave of nausea hit him. If before then nothing had been painful to the point of tears, now Cloud teared up and sniffled. He sent a dark look at Abe who shot him a smile. "I thought you shouldn't do that? Like, ever? You're the one who gave us the safety speech!" 

He shuddered and cursed. The headache he had since he woke up now spliced his head in two. At least, his hearing came back slowly.

“Cloud?” Sephiroth called in a murmur, his thumbs caressing Cloud's face.

"A bit lower, please," Cloud asked, covering his boyfriend's hands with his. Sephiroth's lips were pinched in a thin line, his brows furrowed. Cloud couldn't help thinking that Sephiroth must have been hurt too. "Are your ears okay?"

Sephiroth visibly startled and he stared at Cloud in silence for a moment.

“I know your hearing is better than any SOLDIER. Are you okay?” Cloud repeated.

The man nodded, starting to pet again Cloud, “I am. I am also glad you aren't crying and yelling at the pain, but don't try to hide it either.”

Cloud pursed his lips and shook his head. "The pierced eardrums hurt," he said then gave his lover a hesitant smile before dropping his shoulders, sighing softly. "As for my general state: it's a bit painful but not to the point of crying. I'd say it's above my bads day. Not too much though." At the expression full of incomprehension Sephiroth showed, Cloud exhaled sadly, "Um. Surprise? Apparently, the mako pains are a lot like the bad days I have. One or two times during the month. Sometimes more?" 

After a long silence as they stared at each other Abe, who was leaning toward them, managed a disbelieving "what?".

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah after a bit of thinking, Cloud's symptoms align with EDS for irl though in this case it has somewhat a link with mako. 
> 
> This fic actually managed to get 100 subscribers! That's my first time, be gentle with me (no there's no sexual connotation- perverts!)
> 
> also also, I'm terribly sorry for inconsistencies/stuffs I'm falling asleep (so why update you ask? because i'm so disorganised if i don't do it now i'll forget for a few weeks again)


	7. Chapter 7

Cloud did nothing for the last hours. He laid on the couch and stared at the TV without focusing on the movie, going numb. It wasn't a 'can focus' days which he had realised in the morning. His prefered activity would have been to run to steam off and do  _something_ but Sephiroth dragged him back into the apartment and cocooned him since then. At dinner, he also prepared Cloud's favourite meal for no reason at all. 

The mako shot didn't affect him fully, so why pamper him? Cloud didn't need it. Though, he appreciated it as a romantic gesture.

When Sephiroth joined him on the couch at doing nothing but stare at the TV, Cloud's guiltiness alleviated. They fitted awkwardly on the couch, Sephiroth's legs dangled far from the armest if he didn't bend his knees, but they found a snuggling position that worked in the end. 

Cloud had his cheek pressed on Sephiroth's stomach as he curled on his side. He almost slept when a warm hand carded through his hair. After the initial surprise, the motion made him doze off anew. 

“I”m sorry for not realising sooner,” Sephiroth whispered.

Cloud hummed, his thoughts too muddled by the pain and tiredness combined to form a full sentence. It felt like he hadn't closed his eyes one second when he woke up at the entry door closing behind someone. Or many someones if he had to go by the sounds of voices. 

"No one to greet us at the entry with a kiss?" Genesis said, voice low but carrying the same fair for theatre. "I feel unloved." 

Sephiroth made a low uninterested growl that Cloud echoed before he yawned. He kept his eyes close, his cheek mushed onto Sephiroth's warm body.

“I'll give you your kiss, Gen,” Zack said.

Genesis huffed, accepted the kiss by the sound of it, but complained, “It's not the same. You came in with me.”

"Here another kiss," Angeal said before his footsteps came nearer to Cloud who lifted his eyes from the TV to see Angeal. The man didn't get in front of the movie, he bent down near Cloud and ran a hand through his hair before taking his hand. "Are you better?" 

Cloud was weirdly aware Genesis asked questions, but he was more focused on the brush of Angeal's fingers against his palm, then his wrist. It was warm and so featherlike, even though Angeal held his hand like he always did: with the care a non-enhanced needed. 

"You know I'm enhanced now, right? Don't need to touch me like an ancient wutaian pottery." 

"Yes, that's why we're worried by your behaviour," Genesis hissed as he sat on the back of the couch. The high pitched sound irritated Cloud. He rubbed absent-mindedly his ear and startled when Genesis lifted his hands in the air to let them fall at his side. "Did you see?" 

"Maybe his ears aren't that enhanced?" Zack said in a murmur. He met Cloud's eyes, smiled then tentatively extended a hand. Cloud took it without waiting. A weight seemed to lift from Zack's slumped shoulders. 

Genesis sat on Cloud's side, his arm on the headrest above Cloud's head. Zack was sitting on the coffee table, cross-legged and with a pout. Now the movie was forgotten. 

"Uh, oh. It looks like an intervention," Cloud whispered, fidgeting on the couch. "It is an intervention? What did I do?" 

"The problem isn't what you do, or your reaction," Genesis announced. He leaned toward Cloud and grabbed his chin to make the younger look at him. "But your lack of." 

“Shush. Do you have the form?,” Sephiroth demanded.

"Yes, yes," Genesis huffed, giving him a sheet of paper. "Always following the code, isn't it?" 

Sephiroth was the one to huff this time. He pushed on his arms then pulled Cloud into a sitting position too, his back to Sephiroth's chest. 

"We'll talk later," he ordered to all. 

“You're right.” Angeal stood up from his kneeling position. “Let's cook something and talk to Cloud later when he'll be less under the mako injection effects.”

He smiled down at Cloud comfortably settled against Sephiroth who gave him the papers and put his chin on his head.

"What it is?" Cloud asked as he eyed the different stuff. He spared a glance to Genesis and Angeal leaving the room to go into the kitchen then on Zack sitting on the ground with his back to the couch – not a rare sight.

"A pain assessment for the mako injection." 

Cloud bite down on his lips, “Should I... lie?”

“No,” Sephiroth was firm. “Why would you?”

“But... won't they refuse me the second injection if, well, I'm not healthy?”

"Don't lie. It's to know if the mako injection has side effects," Zack said, looking him upside down as he put the back of his head on the couch. "If you aren't crippled by the mako injections pain it's even a good point for you." 

The questionnaire irritated Cloud, but he accepted the fact his lovers where worried and filled the different questions about his pains those last three months. In the questions he rarely saw mention of the mako except for 'do you hear the mako inside you?' or 'do you felt a burning sensation like in the three days following the injection?' which struck him as weird since he was still on the first day. A few times he hesitated to put a false claim on those ones to seven choice – one being 'never' and seven 'every day' – but ended up checking the cases with as much honesty he could. 

After that, he had the surprise to see that the dinner was composed of everything he loved the most from the entry to the dessert. It made him uneasy but his boyfriends kept reminding him that it was customary anytime one of them got a shot of mako. 

Even after, they reunited into the living room all around Cloud. The form was passing from hands to hands and the four other men arbored sombre expressions. Cloud fiddled with his hands. 

“So, uh, we're back to the intervention?” he asked.

Angeal – sitting next to Zack on the table like he _never_ did – pinched his lips and leaned toward Cloud sitting on the couch with Sephiroth and Genesis.

“Cloud, do you know for whom this questionnaire is?”

Cloud stared blankly at Angeal. He was tired and so not in the mood for riddles, “Why ask the question if you know the answer?”

“It's for newly turned SOLDIER. We give it to them exactly three months after the first Mako injection to be sure they don't have side effects from the first one.”

Cloud frowned and searched on his boyfriend's face an answer.

"Cloud, three months from now, you weren't enhanced," Sephiroth said, his words making his chest move and his throat vibrate – Cloud _heard_ that. It caught his attention before Sephiroth continued. “You were in pain like a newly turned SOLDIER adapting to the mako. It's serious.”

“It's not!” Cloud yelled, jumping on his feet as his blood froze in his veins. “I always had that. It's not serious. It just _is_.”

He searched on the faces of each of his boyfriends for comprehension but saw only sadness and variant of worry. 

“It's not _serious_. My pain to the knee? Two days ago it hurt but I have no problem today. My wrist? My headaches? It's depending on the weather. It's not serious.”

“You answered the same answer as me a lot of time,” said Genesis, crossing his arms. “You just said you were as much in pain as _me_. And I'm not faking. So whatever it is, it's serious.”

“I'm not _dying_ ,” Cloud yelled. He froze as he realised what he just said and saw Genesis' eyes open wide.

"I hope not," he said bitterly as he clearly took charge of the situation. In the group, it was better if one did so and the rest stayed back before the end. "But you are in pain and as moving as they are, they are strong enough to be serious." 

Cloud let his eyes fall on his hands and the papers. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, “And nothing work for it. So why bother? It  _is_ . That's all.”

As the silence extended, he walked to the bedroom to bury himself under the covers until Genesis lured him out with the promise of a warm bath, no talk about either of their pains and a book he wanted to read to him. For a moment, the problem was ignored again, though Cloud's mind kept on retelling him his boyfriend's words, making him think. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops for the wait? my spring-fandom turned into a summer-fandom and idk... I'm deep okay?  
> anyway, I bring you an offering and come to tell you you are 130 following this. Idk where you are but the stats don't lie
> 
> also the post for the [clack week](http://ectocosme.tumblr.com/post/176198853165/clack-week-2k18) is out if you are interested


	8. Chapter 8

The sound of the closing door woke up Cloud from his nap. The files on his stomach fell down at his movement and caught the attention of the boyfriend that just came home. Cloud's mind was still too asleep for him to determine who it was from sounds or odours before he entered the living room. 

“Hey, Geal,” Cloud mumbled, his throat dry. Hadn't he drink before sitting down?

On the table was a finished drink though it didn't interested Cloud as much as the man's frowning. The expression made Cloud's heart miss a beat. He straightened, massaging his stiff neck with one hand and send a questioning look at Angeal.

“You are one hour late for our date, Cloud.” Angeal's stern voice and his misbehaving made Cloud's heart sink. “You answered none of your messages either.”

“Ah, Geal. I-” the phone Cloud just took indicated three unread messages and two calls. “I'm- I was.... just sleepy and I closed my eyes a second. I- I didn't realise-”

Angeal breathed in and out as he came closer to stand at the side of the couch.

“Cloud, I know you're tired, no, _exhausted_. We all know, but this isn't acceptable.”

The words stung Cloud. He massaged his sternum like it could lower the pressure around his heart and he purposefully avoided Angeal's eyes. He didn't want to see the disappointment on his face. Was he going to dump him now? It would be understandable, Cloud had been a horrible partner for all his boyfriends. His excuse was always that he was tired. (and tired of what? He hadn't that much more workload than when he was a cadet!). In the end, the men in his life would get sick of such a pathetic apology. 

"You can't do missions like a normal SOLDIER anymore," Angeal stated and somehow it hurt more than being said he was breaking up. At least, Cloud had prepared mentally for the later. He stared at Angeal, pinching his lips not to cry like the baby he was not. "You end up exhausted and can't do anything else. This isn't healthy, Cloud." 

Angeal clearly waited for an answer yet Cloud's mind was on the unexpected stabbing pain in his back. Being a SOLDIER might have given him better reflexes, better eyesight and so on, but it did nothing for his overall health, that was clear. Cloud pinched his lips and tried to focus back on Angeal. He hated making the man wait like that. Angeal always made sure all his boyfriends were fine and if it wasn't the case he did his hardest for it to be true. That's maybe why Cloud couldn't be honest and tell him how hard the last month had been. He couldn't tell him that he wanted to crawl back into his bed each morning. Because if he did, Angeal would do everything to change that. Like changing his schedules and giving him a preferential  treatment. No, after a while Cloud would get familiar with the SOLDIER's rhythm. Everything would be fine in a few weeks.

“I'm not having a preferential treatment only because I'm your boyfriend!”

“It wouldn't be! It's a different treatment because you are _not_ capable to work as much as other SOLDIERs. What if you are exhausted in a mission and end up killed?” Cloud was going to shrug but Angeal knew him well. “What if people under your command end up killed? Cloud, you are sick. I'm sure you can do a wonderful job without all the workload of another SOLDIER, but you are sick and _will be treated as such_.”

Sick. It was a strange word applied to him. At Nibelheim you were sick two weeks and then you got back to work. If it lasted longer, you were assuredly dead soon. Sick. It sounded bad. Genesis was sick, not him. Genesis was in pain almost every hours of the day. He lost his strength little by little and had brittle bones and an even worse temper. 

“That's not how other SOLDIERs will see it,” Cloud mumbled.

“They will see it as I tell them to. The news SOLDIERs know you, know you work hard. The older ones, Genesis or Sephiroth will take care of them,” Angeal said. He managed the freshly turned SOLDIERs after all. “But your friends from your 'promo' will defend you.”

Cloud rubbed his hands between his thighs. He felt bad, ready to burst into sobs though the lack of air when he breathed could kill him first. 

“I don't want,” Cloud said. “Don't declare me sick. I'll get used to the workload, I promise.”

“You can't do your missions and live normally in those conditions!”

Cloud suddenly jumped to his feet, "Watch me!" 

“I'm giving you orders now,” Angeal hissed. “I'm not a boyfriend talking to you, but a superior.”

“There's no superiors in our lift,” Cloud snarled, irritated to no end by this sentence. He left the living room and headed for the exit.

“Then we will see each other at my office tomorrow!” Angeal's voice reached him.

Cloud slammed the door behind him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> damn I wasn't happy with this chapter, but I couldn't let you wait forever so idk, have that I guess.


	9. Chapter 9

Zack found him hiding in the staircase. Cloud had stopped crying but when he saw the worry line on Zack’s forehead he realised he was one word away from bailing his eyes out again. If he worried Zack, then he was certain he worried Angeal too and he didn’t like that at all.

“Hey, buddy,” Zack called, sitting down next to Cloud a the top of the stairs. “You know Angeal isn’t the only one to think you’re overdoing it?”

“I know,” Cloud mumbled, feeling terrible.

Zack wrapped an arm around Cloud’s neck and pulled him to his side, kissing his temple after that.

“Angeal said you were concerned people would think you had a preferential treatment if we changed your schedule. But you told me there’s already guys thinking you entered the SOLDIERs program like that.”

Yeah, that’s why I don’t want to give water to their well!”

“What?” Zack asked with a confused expression.

Cloud sighed, “Nibel saying. I don’t want them to think they’re right.”

“But if they believe that it’s mostly because they’re jealous or they hate you so nothing will change their mind. Working yourself to exhaustion won’t change their mind,” Zack continued. “You shouldn’t live your life for people you hate but for the one you love.”

Cloud was silent for a minute, “You spent too much time with Gen. You end up waxing some poetic shit too.”

Zack snorted loudly then kissed the top of his head, tightening his grip around Cloud’s shoulders.

"Well, yeah, but you too have more in common than me. I mean, he too had a lot of jealous peeps searching for any sign of failure. A few years ago he was the perfect SOLDIER on paper, you know? Not the strongest, but doing everything by the procedure so no one could badmouth him. It was because people thought he'd entered SOLDIER by Angeal's help and not because of his materia's use proficiency." Zack chuckled to himself. "I've met him just as he said fuck you to the protocol. People still hated him so he decided to just live however he pleased."

“I like his ‘fuck it’ attitude,” Cloud mumbled while thinking he wouldn’t be brave enough to do the same.

“Yeah, me too. Suits him better. I actually can’t imagine him all proper.”

They shared a laugh at the idea of young Genesis in uniform, complete with the sword and helmet which would have made of his hair a mess. It seemed ridiculous. Cloud wondered if it was why there were no photos of the redhead younger: he had burned the proofs of proper SOLDIER Genesis. 

“You’re in SOLDIER by yourself,” Zack added quietly. “You reached your dream, can’t you take a breather?”

A lump formed in Cloud’s airway, “But- I feel like... I didn’t really reach it? Am I really q SOLDIER if I can’t do everything one do? Am I really a SOLDIER if I don’t feel any different from when I was a cadet?”

Zack sighed, his head fell on top of Cloud’s and for a moment only silence was heard.

"You got the insignia, the mako shot, you train with the new SOLDIERs and learnt all the basics, now you're going on missions and have to take care of the non-enhanced, so for me you're all SOLDIER-y," the black haired said. "And I don't know what you mean when you say you don't feel different. You changed. The cadet Cloud is totally different from the SOLDIER Cloud." He added cheekily. "The corporal was the awkward teenage phase."

Cloud punched amicably Zack as he snorted, chuckling after that. When he was corporal he was in the late stage of adolescence: quite the awkward teen. But a teen who ended up with responsibilities.

"I don't feel like it," Cloud mumbled, playing with the hem of Zack's shirt.

"Well, duh, it's was all progressive and you've got the same short-term memory as me so you never noticed your progress and now you only remember what you are now... wait!" Zack straightened, jolting Cloud who huffed, his headache from his previous crying recalling itself. "That's why Angeal was always making me note stuff in a book at the end of each lesson! So I could track my progress! Oh, man I'm so stupid, how could I have only noticed now?"

Cloud made the puppy sit back down, huffing, "Nah, you're not stupid. But I'm not sure the memory thing applies to me."

"Buddy, it totally does. Also, you went from awkward gruff kinda cute cadet to confident gruff super sexy SOLDIER-" Cloud nearly choked on his laugh. "-and I liked the cute cadet, but I love Cloud now. I saw the change. As the other did, I assure you! I promise even!"

Cloud leaned a bit more against Zack. It saddened him that the puppy tried his best to encourage him yet the dark thing eating at his stomach and sprouting anxieties wasn't leaving.

"I guess it means even now I'm not good enough then," he said in a whisper and half of him expecting Zack didn't hear.

The roar that took the puppy startled Cloud. As much as Zack jumping on his feet and making him follow. Zack held his face with a firm grip, planting his eyes in Cloud's.

"Listen, buddy," he started. "If someone told you you aren't good enough, you punch them and then, you re-punch them and then you come to me so we can snuggle this idiocy out of your head."

“Can I punch myself in the face?” Cloud said playfully.

Zack faltered and bite on his bottom lip. He looked like a sad puppy and it made Cloud shake with remorse.

"Nah, you don't punch yourself. Ugh. Hum." the way Zack let go of Cloud's face then walked back and forth only a few steps was new. "Hum. I had the same problem too, you know? At home, I wasn't good enough at anything. I... uh, was okay. Fine. Not perfect and... Angeal's praise kinda helped on this part."

Cloud met Zack's eyes, the earnest wonder in them made Cloud fidget.

“Nobody's perfect.”

Sephiroth's voice startled the both of them. Zack snorted.

“Except you.”

“Only my hair is flawless,” retorted Sephiroth, his eyes going from Zack to Cloud. “I wish to talk to Cloud privately, is it okay?”

“Okay for me,” Zack answered, his attention coming automatically for Cloud.

He nodded, eliciting a smile from Zack who put a kiss on his forehead. Before passing Sephiroth, he put his hands on the man-shoulder, using it to propel himself higher and kissed the silver-haired forehead too. Sephiroth looked him go away, a smile on his lips that Cloud echoed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heeey you didn't wait too long this time I think? (can't remember how long it took me to update last time)
> 
> ~~also alexa tell me how to finish a fic pls i beg you i need a coherent end to pop out of nowhere~~


End file.
